Category Archives: humor

The Cheesecake Express: Mieko “Reads” Fiddey Shades!

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50 Shades was originally a Twilight fanfic, but even Kristen Stewart can’t believe it.

Ok, so I love love love reading cheesecake books.

I used to read submissions to a publishing agency, and I once bought The Legend of Rah and the Muggles (That book that one lady sued JK Rowling over) just so I could laugh at it.  Many a high school night was spent giggling over the 25 cent novels my best friend lent me.

Lately I’ve been lusting after the libre-du-jour by E.L James, 50 Shades of Grey (The little fanfic that could), but as a responsible adult with a budget and reputation I can’t bring myself to buy it, and the local library has a waiting list over 1,000 patrons long.  Luckily I have found this- Kyle reads Fifty Shades of Grey- in which a brave soul reads all chapters  aloud for your youtubing pleasure (at your youtubing liesure).

I have chosen to undertake this task for you, dear readers.  Along the way I will discuss such things as:

  • How could E.L. James make one-million dollars per week?
  • Why does this outsell Harry Potter in UK paperback???
  • What is Christian Grey’s appeal?
  • What parallels can we draw between this and Twilight, as well as other works of classic fiction?
  • Is it feminist?

….Or at least we’ll be able to properly snark.

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State of the ProcrastiNATION episode 1(million): Preparing for the Zombie Apocolypse

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So, I have one more paper to do before finals are over and a huge case of senioritis writers block, so I decided why not inform all my cyber-friends of the newest developments in Zombie preparedness studies.  I figured this will be especially important information as the rapture is only 3 days away (save the date!), and the threat of zombie apocalypse is becoming more and more real:

1.)The CDC has finally acknowledged the growing zombie threat, and is outlining its containment strategies appropriately.  I’m serious.  The U.S. GOVERNMENT’S CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL.

2.) Dame Judy Dench and Sir Ian Mckellan have also become spokespeople for the undead-defense cause:  They are to star in a period zombie film, The Curse of the Buxom Strumpet, an extended version of the short film E’gad, Zombies!  Also joining the celebrity defense league is Hugh Laury, aka House.  Please read up on the founder of the celeb-zombie defense league: Night of the Living Dead’s Duane Jones (proof that in some horror movies being black doesn’t mean you die first).

3.) The Undead stoop to new lows:  They have corrupted our youth into their ranks!  Beware of deceptively adorable zombie children.  They are not lonely, they do not want friends, they want to eat your brains.  Remember this.

4.) To protect your children from corruption, make sure they read this updated version of Pat the Bunny.  Or, if you are feeling particularly proactive/sadistic, run a zombie defense drill.  But beware:  not only may you scar your kids for life, but you may scar yourselves as well (my cousin Soloman would have totally done this to little me, btw).

For other important tips, please visit Zombiedefense.org  or http://zombiecrisis.org/

Why I won’t be wearing a gown to Commencement, and other Obie-ness

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I ❤ you Obieland, but my sentiments exactly.

So my commencement is the 30th!  I’m psyched to show off my school to my family and my family to my school.

Commencement comes at the end of a long senior week full of partying and festivals.  It’s held in Tappan square, the main park-thing in the center of town.  The night before exercises is Illumination- where they hang up tons of lanterns and everyone parties.

All of the lights, all of the lights

We used to have to pass through Memorial arch, which commemorated those Oberlin missionary students who died in the boxer rebellion, but now it’s optional:

It used to be somewhat of a tradition that graduating students walk under the arch during graduation.

As controversy and protest are also a tradition at Oberlin, some students took issue with the presence of missionaries in China in the first place. These students would walk around the arch instead of through it.

Every year as commencement approached, there was often a display in A-level to inform students about the details of the dispute.

It’s also possible to go over the arch, by chimneying up the columns. This has been an option taken by graduating students from time to time as a meta-commentary on the issue.  (from Oberwiki)

Down with colonialism!

We’re also not required to do cap and gown.  Apparently, we were the last on the boat to adopt this custom when it came over from England, and we did away with it relatively quickly.

Pomp, in the form of the Academic Procession, became an integral part of the ceremony in the early 1900’s. By 1909 there was a standard listing for the “Academic Procession” and in 1913 the “Honorary Marshal” was added. Caps and gowns were worn beginning in 1903 by the students and in 1907 by the faculty. It was not until 1970 that the custom was abandoned by the graduating class. That class voted to abandon the cap and gown protesting that they were elitist symbols and that the rental money could be better used elsewhere. Most of the class contributed money to community organizations. The action came as a shock to “traditionalists.” It is worth looking in some detail at the history of academic dress at Oberlin in relation to this nostalgic outcry.  (From the Oberlin Archives)

Oh Oberlin, this is why I ❤ you!

Here’s a link of graduation images (with extra commentary) from the alumni magazine.  I heard that some kid wore a bear suit to graduation one year, which doesn’t surprise me, considering we have both bathrobe boy, fez kid, and Kalan, a recent grad and Obie legend who wore a cow suit on occasion, and who showed up to commencement in “ski googles, paint-stained overalls over his bare chest, and an American flag as a cape”.

We are Oberlin. Casual Mondays.

I was thinking of wearing my kimono (that I bought in Japan) to graduation, but it’s probably going to be warm outside, and the kimono’s silk.  I think I’ll wear mom’s Mexican dress instead.  Either way, I’ll be representin‘!  Maybe I’ll be like the grad below, and wear an awesome wreath!

Maybe I'll be like this grad, and wear a wreath instead...

This is my last week of classes!!!  WOO WOOO!!! I’m only six class periods, three papers, and a presentation away from being finished.  When I get my degree Imma be like this:

Click the pic: This is me in three weeks

And it doesn’t even matter that after graduation Imma be like this:

So what about you, cyberfriends?  What was/is your commencement like?  What were/are your school’s traditions?

NaPoWriMo for 4/6: “Haiku*”

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I was going to write a haiku

to present for the public’s review,

but haikus don’t well-lend

to the Anglophone pen…

so I guess that a limerick will do.


*I admit that I’ve been a big cheat.  You expected a poetic feat, but you’ll just have to settle for worthless scrap-metal because this poem is

Japanese emoticons rate my BEST DAY in a loooong time ⊂二二二( ^ω^)二⊃

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So here’s what happened to me today (technically yesterday, 4/4), with emoticons rating the good v. bad news:

d(*⌒▽⌒*)b woke up to a voicemail that said I made it to the interview stage of the fellowship I’m hoping for! NY theater workshop’s emerging artists of color (playwrights division). If I get it there’ll be a stipend and everything! I was karate-chopping the air all morning!!! The interview is next week via skype. Wish me luck!

(╬ ಠ益ಠ) Stupid speedy Khan (see post: Khan Legacy) is trying to ruin my life with her pooping in the sink/oven/evading two mousetraps while getting the bait. Gotta call the landlord to bring in the big guns.

☜(⌒▽⌒)☞ Mom sent me a letter to translate. It’s from my cousin in Japan. Everyone’s alright! Even the relatives in Fukushima! Thank GOD!!!

ヽ(´▽`)/ I was super productive on everything. I’m up way too late, but still!

┏(・o・)┛♪┗ ( ・o・) ┓♪┗ (・o・ ) ┓♪┏(・o・)┛♪┏(・o・)┛♪┗ ( ・o・) ┓♪┗ (・o・ ) ┓♪

Right now, life is good. YEAH LIFE!

The Wrath of “Crisco” Khan WITH DRAMATIC UPDATES

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So we have a mouse in our crooked-little-house.

My housemates and I feel like this...

Not a cute, sweet, timid little dear who only wants to cohabitate during the cold winter months.

No.  This mouse is crafty, bold, and frankly  a jerk.

He lives in our oven.  In some unreachable, unflammable part of our oven.

He comes out during the day.  Sometimes while people are at home.  Even sometimes while we’re in the same room.

He poops in our sink.  Even after we made sure to keep the sink spotless, wash every dish immediately after it’s been used.

We’ve set out three types of traps, and legit live-capture traps are expensive.  We made our own, but he’s avoided every one.  He even pushed the one in his way over to the side so he could get through.

 

Maybe they're related?

This is war.

After much deliberation and brainstorming of clever trap ideas (that he got around, while managing to eat the food), our landlord bought us glue traps.

I swear we set up one of these in our sink

Glue traps are kind of a last resort.  They’re effective, sure. But glue traps are also a very cruel way to die.

So I devised another plan.  I’d set the trap, we’d check often, and as soon as the mouse was caught we’d spray him with cooking oil.  Cooking oil neutralizes the glue, so then we’d simply de-glue him right into a bucket.  Then we’d take the bucket and carry him far far away to the Arboretum.  But not before I punched him in the face for pooping in our sink.  Everyone ends up happy, right?

Well, I didnt’ expect the plan to be so fruitful so soon.

I set the trap and put out some peanut butter as bait, then went to my room to grab some excedrin for my head.  I came back in the kitchen for water, and lo and behold I hear scuffling.  The mouse had been caught.

Haha! I say, You were too greedy, mouse!  You have been caught at last! But then I hear him scuffling in panic, his back legs caught awkwardly in the trap and I freak out.

So I call in housemate S, who helps calm me a bit.  I gently pull the trap into the open, because the poor thing is desperately clinging to the molding on the wall in his attempt to escape.  The more he struggles the more he gets stuck, and I’m panicking to see the thing in such distress and possible pain.

Cooking oil, S reminds me, so I take our spray canister of canola and liberally spritz down the mouse.  Of course, he thinks its some nefarious plot to poison him, and struggles harder.  I can feel him breathing and his little heart pounding through the plastic of the glue trap.  He’s not coming off.  His feet are twisted at an awkward angle- it looks painful.  I can see his beady eyes bulging.

I try to gently remove him, but the oil isn’t working, and suddenly I lose all my noble goals of live release.  He’s suffering.  He could rip off his fur or limbs in order to escape.  He could have a little mousey heart-attack.  The oil might not work, and he’ll be permanently stuck until we drown him or let him starve.  What was I thinking, using these horrible glue traps?!  I have to end his misery.  I’m so sorry, mouse I whimper, and tell S to get my boot and a bag to put over it.  I’m going to mercy- stomp this mouse.

I place him outside, put on my boot and bag shield and say a quick prayer for his little soul.  It’ll be over soon, I whisper.

But as soon as I step outside the spray-crisco takes marvelous effect, and with one last tug the mouse pulls himself free and darts under the house.  Not even a bit of fur remains in the trap.

Now everyone’s traumatized, and nothing came of it.  Except maybe I’ve given this mouse an ax to grind.

Who lives in our oven.

Who is now coated in aerosol-propelled cooking oil.

Oh yeah, and he’s got a new name:  Khan.

Looks like I’ve got myself an arch-nemisis.

Update: I hear noises in the kitchen.  This is an hour later, and the mouse is back for more.  Glutton (for punishment?)

Update 2: Housemate R and her boyfriend B went to investigate.  Kahn is caught in the EXACT SAME TRAP on the other side of the room.  Appears dead of fright.  The end?

Update 3: Kahn has escaped.  Rebecca turned her back and he pulled himself loose. Perhaps it’s because he’s already been coated in oil. Will now insert instant Khaaaaannnn!!!!1! button, for quick on-the-go fist shaking.

Update 4: No, no he hasn’t.  He’s escaped the trap but he’s cornered between the fridge, the wall, and the trap.  So if he tries to get out, he’s trapped again…  His new nickname is “Crisco.”  Crisco Khan.

Update 5: Checked this morning.  Found the trap upside down and covered in dust/dirt.  Cheerio bait missing.  CURSES!  My somatics teacher said she’d lend me her legitimate live trap, so let’s hope this works.


Random holiday traditions from around the world

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I stumbled upon these interesting cultural traditions, and thought I’d share.

First up, one of my favorite holiday websites:

Sketchy Santas has tons of pics of the oddest Santa Clauses and the funniest crying kids.  Ahh Schadenfreude, making your holidays merry and bright.

You want WHAT for christmas?!

While perusing said website I found this:

Jesus thinks I'm #1, even when I #2.

It’s called a Caganer, or pooper, and is popular in parts of Catalonia, Spain, Italy, Germany, Holland, and France.  You hide one of these little guys in your nativity scene each year, and it’s a great treat for children to…sniff him out, if you will.  Sort of like a Where’s Waldo for the scatalogically inclined.  Wikipedia figures that it started as a humorous way to break up the idealized stateliness  of a traditional nativity, but also represents how a) we’re all equal in God’s eyes.  As the book says, everybody poops b) Jesus can come at any time, and we mean any time.

Recently more modern versions of caganers have become popular.  A quick google search shows you the Pope, the Dalai Lama, Michael Jackson, Barack Obama, famous soccer players, the queen of England, Einstein, even Spiderman doing their duty (tee hee) for the Christmas spirit.

Caganers are such a part of the culture that in 2005 when Barcelona decided one year to nix the caganer from its public display- they had recently (only recently?!) outlawed public defecation and urination and thought the caganer was a bad influence- the townspeople protested until they got it back.   I can only imagine the type of spirited debate that would happen if someone decided to put a caganer on their lawn in the U.S.  It’s not that much different from the peeing fountain kid though, right?

Through the wonders of wiki I also found this little cutie, also from Catalonia and surrounding areas.  The Tio de Nadal:

someone's cruisin' for a bruisin'

If you’re wondering why these adorable children are attacking these defenseless log-people, it’s because this is a long-drawn out Christmas mugging.

Starting December 8th, mom and dad will pull out their old friend Tio, and the kids will fawn all over it.  They “feed” the log every night and put a warm blanket over it so it doesn’t get cold.  The log thinks “hey, sweet deal!”…until Christmas morning, that is.  The children, all bright eyed, rush downstairs and to the warm, fat Tio.  They stick him near their fireplace, then they order him to poop.

When Tio doesn’t poop (because who poops on command?) the happy little children grab their sticks and whack him over and over, singing songs about how much they want to literally beat the sh*t out of him.  When poor Tio does finally drop a load, turns out it’s a load of candy and other goodies placed there by the adults, and the little darlings cheer and sing and beat Tio again until each kid has their sweet.  Then this piñata-esque log is shoved into the closet until next year! Yay!!!

I’ll look up more random holiday traditions and post them as they come.  If anyone has any they know, feel free to include them in the comments section.  Happy Holidays everyone! (and no offense meant to Catalonia or its people, feel free to make fun of Santa Claus and Black Friday if you’d like).

-Mieko