A note on fear


A noiseless patient spider,
I mark'd where on a little promontory it stood isolated,
Mark'd how to explore the vacant vast surrounding,
It launch'd forth filament, filament, filament, out of itself,
Ever unreeling them, ever tirelessly speeding them.

And you O my soul where you stand,
Surrounded, detached, in measureless oceans of space,
Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing, seeking the spheres to connect them,
Till the bridge you will need be form'd, till the ductile anchor hold,
Till the gossamer thread you fling catch somewhere, O my soul.

                                   -A Noisless Patient Spider; Walt Whitman

My weekend was not good.

I spent much of it either crying or trying to distract myself from crying, or asleep.  This is not how a weekend should go, and updates like these aren’t the type I want to talk to my friends about, cyber-or-otherwise.  But it must be done.

Today is National Day Without Stigma- a chance to increase awareness and lessen the stigma about mental illness.  I have lived with mental illness since puberty, and know how damaging it can be to hold things in.  I was, and am afraid to allow myself to feel afraid, vulnerable, needy, and sad.  I am terrified of telling others if my day goes anything but “fine.”  I am scared people will not like what they see when I reach out to them, and that they will turn away.  But I must reach out to people, and so must we all.  Keep trying till the gossamer thread catches, and we find someone to connect to.  It surprises me every day how easily people here are willing to connect with me, how they won’t turn away when I reach out.

So I, in turn, reach out to you.  Gentle cyberfriends, how are you feeling today?  How was your weekend?  Is there anything you’d like to ask or say?

I hope you all have a great day, but if you don’t- tell me about it anyway.  I don’t mind one bit.




2 responses »

  1. Well, today was the Memorial Service for my mother-in-law. Sad,..yes, but I was surrounded by my wonderful husband and son plus a host of friends who came along side our family and loved us. It was thought their prayers, deeds of kindness ( food, music, church set up….for the service) that made this day a blessing. Yes, we are still sad but with this sadness comes wonderful memories of my mother-in-law/mom, my own mom, dad, sister Kazi and others that have passed through my life and are no longer living on this earth.
    Everyday is an opportunity to wake and see that as a blessing and then to watch and see what other treasured blessings I can find as I go through my day. Be it a kind word, hug, smile or the gentle breeze that blows softly against my face or perhaps the clouds overshadowing the earth, the stars, the various colours of foliage this season will bring. It’s all there before us….if we take time to look out and not give too much time on what’s in. Every experience teaches us, what will we learn, what will we treasure. You have the ability to choose. Choose wisely.
    Love you Mieko,

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