As you can tell from the title of this post: I am BORED. So bored I watched women’s Olympic curling for three hours straight today. CURLING!
I never thought this would happen. I mean, I figured every day there would be something exciting and death-defying to do. Which there is, of course- if you have the bucks to do it. But thanks to last week’s surprise expenses during the Kyoto trip and the surprise ATM fees I accrued by withdrawing money from a Japanese ATM, I felt the need to be a little more penny-pinching than normal. So no meals, no shopping, no fancy snacks, and NO traveling anywhere I had to pay for. Which would have been easy-I had a bunch planned for this weekend-except that I set my an hour too late and missed the registration time for the international friends festival! And I also discovered the field trip I thought my class was taking Sunday was actually taking place NEXT month. So my plans were shot, and all my friends had already made other plans! I putzed around the house for half the day, but then finally decided to go and make my own fun.
I walked around the local mall today and while part of me (the philisophical, post-modern, “enlightened” Obie side of me) gawked at the pricing and sizing and the rampant consumerism that is a mall, the other half of me was literally drooling with BUY IT BUY IT BUY IT! frenzy. I had bought a candy (apple Hi-chew) and soda (CC Lemon) at the drug store two blocks back, and in order to keep my itchy id busy I either ate one candy or took a sip of soda. Both were gone by the end of my trip. Everything was so pretty! And so expensive! And SO not my size! I was definitely a large everything in the top sizes, and I’m certain they did not carry my pants or shoe size at all. It definitely gives me some insight into the travails of being too big to fit into lots of clothes, although I know some people have it a lot harder than me.
On my way back though, I did see a woman who reminded me a lot of mom. I kept turning my head to look at her as I left the store, and I’m sure she was thinking “who is this weird girl?” And I did go to a pet-store, which made me think of Zerah, my dog. And some awesome Miyazaki flowerpots (which I shall post later in pictures).
But overall, I left the mall in a bit of a bad mood. I was homesick, poor, anxious, and had body issues. Plus, I decided to check up on the news today (we watch the news every evening at home, but I don’t understand it), and got a little depressed. Which was kinda the same deal back home.
I went on this trip thinking it’d feel different all the time- that I’d suddenly evolve into the Mary Tyler Moore of Osaka, and that I’d realize who I was. But it’s silly really. Because realization is a process that lasts much longer than one trip. Probably takes a whole lifetime (but I’m not even 21 yet, so I don’t know). And I can’t run away from things, or keep sitting and waiting for something better to come. I have a habit of doing that- of freezing in difficult moments, waiting for the bad to go away and the good to come out of hiding (kind of like a rabbit, or Hachiko the dog). Sometimes it helps- it’s helped me weather stuff I can’t control, helped me to dig in my heels on a project until it pays off. But sometimes I don’t know when something’s just not going to work and I need to change plans.
So, here I sit at 2am on my computer: circling around the 7 or so TV channels we have, and the 5 or so websites I frequent, and the book I have to read for class- waiting, just waiting for something to happen. Waiting for someone to message me, or a new video to be posted, or the book to capture my heart, or the boy I like to say hello. And all while waiting until I am too tired to type so I can go to sleep and wait for the morning to bring something better. Even now, despite doubts that this post is horrible and depressing and that I complain too much and I should just scrap it and go to bed I keep pushing ahead, waiting for the words I spit out to get better. The cursor keeps blinking, and I wait.
Okasan came down and told me to go to bed, so I’ll end this here. But I’m going to make a (belated Lenten) promise to myself before I do: To make my time count. Not necessarily by going to every nightclub and tourist spot in the country, but by taking things as they come. I have a paper, applications to fill, a letter to write to a Japanese relative (scary, but I’ll cover why in another post). And that will make me appreciate the down-time more.
So here I g0- wish me luck.